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"MIR-ly Garbage in Space"

    03/11/01EmptySpace.com    -00.00.00-    

MOSCOW. March 10 (Interfax) - Russia's aging space station Mir will be taken out of operation and dumped in the Pacific Ocean in ten days. Seriously! It's planned to drop from the sky like a dead sack of monkey and sink faster than a cement shoe wearing wiseguy.

Mir's sinking is scheduled for March 20, give or take a day; all depending on the weather, location, trajectory, and Yoda's work schedule.

The space station is now orbiting at approximately 250 km above the Earth. That altitude is expected to decrease by 1,800 to 2,000 meters a day, until it burns up like an @sshole after a chilifest. Who would have thought a fuzzy, felt-faced, sinister puppet, traveling at 6.8km/sec, would eventually be the singular destruction of the Russian space station program.

The first two impulses will be used for building the trajectory of Mir's plunge back to Earth. During the next two circuits, Mission Control will try to lure that nasty little fuzz-face into the blast module's engine and fry him to eternity. Yes, blast that freak; blast him all to h*ll! Eat heat, KidSuck@ss! Time to repent for the treachery of pulling in that flismy hate-filled rag-man from orbit.

According to predictions, the probability that the station will be deorbited successfully is 97-98%. Specialists believe that the probability that those pieces of the station that do not burn up in the atmosphere will hit land is practically "zero percent." "Specialists," yes. "Zero percent," yes. Yes, quote, unquote, Speciiaaalllists. Zeeerrrooo percent... Heads up!!!

Listen up, kids! Horseplay and hooliganism will only result in the scuttling of your flop-orbitting space junk. Don't think messing with a puppet in space is any safer than doing it on your velvet water bed. Oh, all those cosmonauts wanted was a little puppet love. Is that so wrong? (A: Yes.)

Master of none and ruler of all. This impish freak-beast ended up running that radioactive solar-powered scrap heap. Ah f*cken h*ll. The truth? The puppet was the only reason Mir stayed up in orbit!

As the picture to the right details, those clever space monkeys wired the damn puppet as a high capacity battery. Heck, toss that wispy hand-sack man against the wall hard enough and he'll take out half of the United States. Not only powerful, his humming high-powered puppet @ss was pretty stankgina too, bringing aboard a sh*t load of fungus and beasties with it. @ss humming action, yo!

The conclusion is based on studies of the "micro-organisms" (@ss mites) that flourished on during the station's 15 year history. It's said that the "micro-organism" (bung-hole bug) samples and station components damaged by bacteria and microscopic fungus have been brought back to earth for "investigation" (for those of you who ever wondered what "secret sauce" was, or why Gary Coleman is so bitter and hate-filled).

Cosmonauts have safely spent more than a year on Mir without showing any adverse effects of being exposed to the mocrobes (cough cough, self-aware undergarments). Nor have the landings of fragments of facist non-international space stations of the Salyut series or of the U.S. station Skylab led to any problems (cough life-threatening-killer-puppet-@ss-cheese-organisms cough). The micro-organisms originated on "earth" and were brought to the station by the various puppets, "cosmonauts," and "astronauts" who've ever rubbed their choadal area on Mir's button-filled oddly-shaped control panels. Stop picking your *ss, you dirty wannabe-cosmonaut freak! If you've read this far, you gotta be wondering why you can find anything better to do with your time, dang it!

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