When was the last time you spotted a sinister puppet plotting to take over the world?
Yeah, I believe you. Just send it anyway.
THE COMMUNIST ©.
Mrs. Kim, Where Art Thou???
(Names and locations have been changed to maintain anonymity.)|
8:13am I walk out of my house with a buttered bagel in hand. I have to
drop off Tinku's car at his house, and then walk to the High School, where
I'm scheduled to substitute for Mrs. Kim, ESL teacher. Last time I subbed
for Mrs. Kim, it was the most boring day of my life. Waiting for a snail
to cross the state of Texas would have been more entertaining. I don't
know why I accepted.
8:16am As I'm about to make a right turn onto Plaza North, a HUGE
cadillac slams on its brakes in front of me. I stop VERY short. I'm
about to lay on the horn when a petite attractive woman steps out of the
passenger's seat, and waits for the light to change. I smile at her, wave
hello, and then proceed to flip the bird at the driver for the next 1/2
mile, until I reach Center Avenue.
8:17am I pull into spot #14 behind ThisGuy/ThatGuy's house. I start walking
out of the lot when I see a van moving at a VERY slow pace out of its
spot. I move out of its way, and see that the building super is standing
with his back against the front grill of the van, and appears to be
pushing it out of the spot. I make eye contact with him, and he seems
very happy to see me, almost motioning for me to help him. I grin and
keep walking. I'm almost positive that it got harder for him when it came
time to put it into park...oh well, what can you do?
8:19am I walk into the main office to sign in. I'm greeted with the
usual "hello [Anonymous]"'s, including one each from Mrs. Amato (arguably one of
the most "throw around the room"-worthy teachers ever at KPHS) and Mrs.
Foster (enough said). Then Mrs. Chiappane (secretary) walks over and says
"Hi [Anonymous]" (pronounced [Anonymous, but pronounced incorrectly]). I almost broke the pencil in my hand. I
don't understand the problem. Does she not see the _ in between the "X"
and the "X"? Every time I hear that voice I want to kick her in the shins
and spit on her face. It's almost as bad as Bill Simmons saying that
Caddyshack II was one of the worst movies he's ever seen. But I
8:20am I walk into room 210a. The room INSIDE room 210, that nobody ever
goes into. The vents for the radiator are covered with manilla file
folders, which are taped down OVER the vents. There is a HUGE sign over
the chalkboard that says "WE ALL SMILE IN THE SAME LANGUAGE" It was
almost as eerie as the kitchen that night that I...well, you all know...
9:00am Well into Period 1. The 5 minute bell has rang. I sneeze.
Somebody says "God Bless You". Those were the first and last words that
were spoken in English the entire class period. Mr. Erickson would have
had a fit...
9:08am Homeroom has begun. This morning is extended homeroom, and I
didn't have a class, so I retreated to the Faculty Lounge to try to sleep
for a few minutes. Mrs. Robinson and Ms. Frey were complaining about how
homeroom extensions take away from class time. Then Mrs. Robinson said
that Mr. Snuffulufagus doesn't pleasure her enough. That was my cue.
9:10am I walk into the other Faculty Room. Mr. Furfero and Mr. Fineman
are discussing old clubs in NYC. Every 3 minutes, Mr. Matteis would try
to get a word in. Nobody bothered to pay attention to him. I felt bad.
Oh well...I listened for a moment. Mr. Furfero used the phrase "sh*tloads
of music" three times in 14 seconds, and then winked at me. I decided it
was time for a walk.
9:13am I walk past the main office, where the principal attempts to make
some sort of "impression" as if he's Dr. Richardson or something. He
looks at me, and says "Can I help you?" I wanted to take his glasses off
his face, stomp on them, put them back on, and say "HEY F#CKER...YOU ASK
ME THAT EVERY TIME YOU SEE ME IN THE HALLS, AT LEAST THREE TIMES A WEEK.
I'M A F#CKING SUBSTITUTE TEACHER." I decided to let it go, and just
smile. Somebody told him who I was as I walked on...
9:14am I'm making the turn by the shop "area" when I feel the wind blow
from the gym doors swinging so hard. Mr. Aughey is making a bee-line for
me. He seems VERY happy for some reason, and is even singing "Pretty
Woman" as he walks. I move out of his way as he says "HOW YOU DOIN
SON?!?!" This coming from a man who on Wednesday used the word "behoove"
twice in a 30 second span with a kid who is in REMEDIAL English.
9:14am My exhaustion from my lap around the school takes me to the water
fountain in the cafeteria. If there is one water fountain that has ALWAYS
been the place to go when one was thirsty, this one was it. Can you
possibly think of another fountain that comes close? The Middle School
fountain was good too, but nothing compares to good ole' KPHS water.
9:15am I walk out of the cafeteria, and like a slap in the face, Mr.
Babinni walks into the hall, wearing a LEATHER JACKET and his hair SLICKED
back. It's almost as if this man grows HIPPER with age. I wanted to
crack up right in front of his face, but I couldn't. All I thought of as
I stared at him was Mr. Cella coming into class with a pimp suit on and
flipping his cane at Manny Bujoctus.
9:16am The "Matron" of KPHS asks her usual question of me: "What's your
name today?" There's another person I want to kick in the shins and spit
on her face. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? WHAT'S YOUR NAME TODAY? WHY ARE YOU
TRYING TO BE CLEVER? ASK ME WHO I'M SUBBING FOR!!! And what the hell is
a "matron" anyway? All she does is sit at the desk next to the cafeteria
and sign people in when they enter the building. It is the most POINTLESS
job in the world. As if they had to fill some quota of Greek employees...
9:17am I venture back into the Faculty room, hoping that extended
homeroom is over. As luck would have it, it wasn't. So I sat back down
next to Furfero and Fineman, who were still talking about "shitloads of
music". Fortunately for me, Mr. Matteis walked towards me. I dont care
what anybody says...that man is one of the funniest guys in the world.
And what's funnier is that he doesn't know he's funny. He came up to my
face, as if I'm a hearing impaired mental case, and said "WHO DO YOU LIKE?
METS? YANKEES? NETS? HOCKEY, YOU LIKE HOCKEY? WHAT ABOUT BASEBALL?
YOU LIKE THE METS? YANKEES? DO YOU FOLLOW THE NETS AT ALL? HOW ABOUT
THAT STEINBRENER? METS GONNA BE GOOD, HUH?" And then the f#cker goes
"Where did you go to college? Rutgers?" HEY LARRY, EVERY TIME YOU SEE
ME YOU SAY "DID YOU GO TO RUTGERS" AND I SAY NO, I WENT TO MONTCLAIR. I
decided to leave again...
10:13am I'm in Period 3. I discovered the Internet on one of the
computers in the class room.
10:20am I had 2 new messages in my InBox, so I decided that I was bored
with the Internet, so I started snooping around Mrs. Kim's desk.
10:21am I found some "Confidential" files that said "EIEP" on the top.
Underneath, it had a list of students, and each name had a "country of
origin" next to it. Most of them were Middle Eastern countries, with some
Eastern European countries as well. I always knew Mrs. Kim was shady, but
recruiting students for her underground militia? Crazy...
11:17am I'm now well into Period 4. I have almost fallen asleep 3 times,
with the "head falling" feeling saving me each time. I'm pretty sure some
of the students saw me doing it, and then said something in Korean, and
then all laughed. Oh well...
11:18am I notice one kid is looking at me funny. He is apparently trying
to hide the fact that he is listening to his discman, with only one
earphone in the ear facing away from me. Apparently he believes that I
think that a black wire jetting out of one's jawline and going into one's
pocket is normal.
11:37am LUNCHTIME. I walk towards the faculty room, and all I hear as
two students pass me is, "either he was going to convince her, or he was
going to pay her to do it..." I just shook my head and kept walking...
11:50am I'm in line at Food Emporium waiting to pay. Apparently they
have set up "Express Checkout Lanes", where there is no cashier. You scan
your own items, and pay a machine, and then leave. HELLO?!?!?!?!
JUVENILES SHOP HERE DURING LUNCH. KPHS STUDENTS??? The store is going to
be renaming itself "Food U Can Steal-ium" within the next few days.
11:55am I'm eating my salad in the faculty lounge, and all I can hear is
Mr. Jayson and Mr. Fineman arguing about flying and training licenses.
The plastic knife that I'm using isn't really doing much good on my wrists
12:00pm Mr. Bello has now smiled a "friendly" smile at me two times. One
more time, I'm throwing away my food and leaving.
12:05pm I have thrown away my food and left the faculty lounge.
12:25pm Finally, a non-Koreans-only class. A student that I had in
period 1 walks into the class. I ask him what he is doing here, and he
says he is Mrs. Kim's "assistant". He takes a seat at the front of the
class, and stares at me. So now in place of me sitting in my chair and
doing nothing, my assistant could do that for me...
12:26pm Two Spanish guys feel as though they rule the class. One looks
VERY much like an Islamic militant working for the Al-Qaeda Terrorist
group. Both are talking to the token Russian girl, who is "annoyed" by
their banter. They ask her questions about her "lollipop" and whether she
enjoys them, thinking that I can't tell the difference b/w lollipops and
12:27pm An OGRE walks into my classroom with a bowl of icecream. He
proceeds to swallow the ice cream scoop by scoop and then takes his seat
in the back of the class and starts doing his work.
12:50pm The OGRE sits next to the Russian girl, and starts hitting on
her. He attempts to make her smile by playing an old school game with
her...he puts his hand out on a book, and starts to stomp a pen in between
his fingers as fast as he can. Apparently its a hit...the girl has
smiled, and tries playing the game a few times...
1:08pm The five-minute bell has rang. I am starting to fall asleep
again, when I suddenly hear a scream coming from room 210. I pop my head
out to see Mr. Baccan teaching a class. I was tempted to yell "Du-eh",
but I passed on the urge...
1:16pm FINALLY. MY LAST CLASS. I decide to play Minesweeper since the
internet connection is down. I am showing no regard for the class itself,
since my back has been to them for about 20 minutes now. For all I know,
the could have all left. I was intent on getting past the Intermediate
1:39pm I hear a loud scream, and find 7 Korean guys standing around a
desk, which has a book and four coins on it. Every few seconds, one guy
will slap the book and make the coins flip. I started singing "I Am A
Real American" to myself to drown out the book slapping.
1:42pm I hear a broken English conversation involving the only Latin kid
in the class, and the only Chinese girl in the class, involving love, sex,
and relationships. I wish I had a tape recorder...
2:05pm I'm done for the day. I waved to the one man who has the best job
in all of High School. The "security" guard. Does anybody know
what that man's job is anyway? He is always just standing around, leaning
against walls, sitting in his car. I've seen him direct cars in the
morning, but that's about it. What sort of "securing" does he actually
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