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My Muppets Got Issues

    Faka Faka Faka Puppet Case Study       101  

by Dr. Grouplength
Disturbing but true. The fuzzy Muppets (monster + puppets? musty + grummets? mealy + half-pets?) you grew up with are radically unbalanced. Yes, you probably thought this all along; but hey, mom eats out of the garbage can and dad likes to corner small children in his tool shack. Who are we to argue? You would think that these buckets of stuffing coated in carpet shavings wouldn't end up with developmental problems, but you're wrong. Terribly, horribly, wrong. You couldn't be more wrong, you dirty piece of plastic poo. I oughta burn your life story on DVD and loop some cheap-@ss MIDI music for the soundtrack. Oh, these muppets are disturbed, down to the core; all smiles and giggles to hide the twisted, mangled, wreck within.
(real names have been withheld to maintain anonymity)

• Name: Ernie
• Age: 40 - 50 Years
• Interests: Rubberized Ducks, Bathing, Homoeroticism, "Law & Order"
• Disorders: OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), "Ducky" & Rubber Fetish, Speech Disorder stemming from Low Self Worth Issues, Pteronophobia (fear of being tickled by feathers, see 'Bert' below .ref 'Pigeons')

• Name: Cookie Monster
• Age: 30 - 40 Years
• Interests: Cookies, nimrod! (Occasional Cracker)
• Disorders: OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), Severe Eating Disorder, Speech Disorder (possibly due to stroke), Vision Problems (also possibly due to stroke), Pnigophobia (fear of choking or being smothered)

• Name: Fozzie
• Age: 30 - 60 Years
• Interests: Comedy, Stuffed Bears
• Disorders: Terret's Syndrome, Alcohol Abuse, Extreme Social Anxiety, Possibly Bipolar, Syphilophobia (fear of Sypholis)

• Name: Oscar "The Grouch"
• Age: 60 - 70 Years
• Interests: Trash, Filth, Smells, @ss, Dirt, IFC
• Disorders: Extreme Ablutophobia (fear of washing), Delusions (little or no grasp of reality), Social Anxiety displaced by Extremely Confrontational Behaviour, Remarkably Low Self Worth, Agoraphobia, Manic Depression

• Name: Grover
• Age: 40 - 60 Years
• Interests: Super Heroes, Serving as Wait Staff, Dancing
• Disorders: Multiple Personality Disorder, Delusions of Grandeur, Panic Disorder, Apiphobia (fear of bees)

• Name: Bert
• Age: 40 - 50 Years
• Interests: Pigeons, Cleaning, Dancing, FoodTV
• Disorders: OCD (Obessive Compulsive Disorder), Social Anxiety, Seasonal Affective Disorder, PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), Psellismophobia (fear of stuttering), Ocassional bout with Evil

• Name: Elmo
• Age: 30 - 40 Years
• Interests: Tickle-fetish, Anything that moves
• Disorders: ADHD (Attention-Deficit Hyper-Activity Disorder), Dinophobia (fear of dizziness or whirlpools)

• Name: "The Count"
• Age: ? - 5000 Years
• Interests: Counting, Numbers, Numerology, Blood, The Occult, Ozzy
• Disorders: Extreme Case of OCD relating to Numbers & an Unhealthly Obession with Blood, Lyssophobia (fear of rabies or becoming mad)

• Name: Carmelo Liscotto
• Age: 23 - 30 Years
• Interests: EQ, Soccer, Phallic Foods, Scrum, Bike Wars
• Disorders: Hypertension, Insomnia, Sleep Apnea (most notibly talking), OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, see EQ), Unhealthy Interest for Phallic Foods (bordering on Fetishism), Tetanophobia (fear of lockjaw, tetanus)

• Name: KidPuppet
• Age: ? Years
• Interests: Stuff that Bounces, Stuff that fits up Things, Workable Window Treatments, Being an @ss#ole, "Late Night with Conan O'brien"
• Disorders: OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), Intermittent Explosive Disorder, Kleptomania, Trichotillomania, Reactive Attachment Disorder, Self-Injury, Possibly Schizophrenic, Mόnchausen's Syndrome By Proxy, Bipolar, Kenophobia (fear of voids or empty spaces)

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Contact: Webmaster
-Sex: Male
approx 2'10"
-Weight: 2 lbs.
-Origin: Unknown

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