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My Muppets Got Issues
| Faka Faka Faka | Puppet Case Study 101
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by Dr. Grouplength
Disturbing but true. The fuzzy Muppets (monster + puppets? musty + grummets? mealy + half-pets?) you grew up with are radically
unbalanced. Yes, you probably thought this all along; but hey, mom eats out of the garbage can and dad likes to corner small
children in his tool shack. Who are we to argue? You would think that these buckets of stuffing coated in carpet shavings wouldn't
end up with developmental problems, but you're wrong. Terribly, horribly, wrong. You couldn't be more wrong, you dirty piece of
plastic poo. I oughta burn your life story on DVD and loop some cheap-@ss MIDI music for the soundtrack. Oh, these muppets are
disturbed, down to the core; all smiles and giggles to hide the twisted, mangled, wreck within.
(real names have been withheld to maintain anonymity)
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Name: Ernie
Age: 40 - 50 Years
Interests: Rubberized Ducks, Bathing, Homoeroticism, "Law & Order"
Disorders: OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), "Ducky" & Rubber Fetish, Speech Disorder stemming from Low Self Worth Issues, Pteronophobia (fear of being tickled by feathers, see 'Bert' below .ref 'Pigeons')
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Name: Cookie Monster
Age: 30 - 40 Years
Interests: Cookies, nimrod! (Occasional Cracker)
Disorders: OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), Severe Eating Disorder, Speech Disorder (possibly due to stroke), Vision Problems (also possibly due to stroke), Pnigophobia (fear of choking or being smothered)
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Name: Fozzie
Age: 30 - 60 Years
Interests: Comedy, Stuffed Bears
Disorders: Terret's Syndrome, Alcohol Abuse, Extreme Social Anxiety, Possibly Bipolar, Syphilophobia (fear of Sypholis)
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Name: Oscar "The Grouch"
Age: 60 - 70 Years
Interests: Trash, Filth, Smells, @ss, Dirt, IFC
Disorders: Extreme Ablutophobia (fear of washing), Delusions (little or no grasp of reality), Social Anxiety displaced by Extremely Confrontational Behaviour, Remarkably Low Self Worth, Agoraphobia, Manic Depression
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Name: Grover
Age: 40 - 60 Years
Interests: Super Heroes, Serving as Wait Staff, Dancing
Disorders: Multiple Personality Disorder, Delusions of Grandeur, Panic Disorder, Apiphobia (fear of bees)
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Name: Bert
Age: 40 - 50 Years
Interests: Pigeons, Cleaning, Dancing, FoodTV
Disorders: OCD (Obessive Compulsive Disorder), Social Anxiety, Seasonal Affective Disorder, PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), Psellismophobia (fear of stuttering), Ocassional bout with Evil
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Name: Elmo
Age: 30 - 40 Years
Interests: Tickle-fetish, Anything that moves
Disorders: ADHD (Attention-Deficit Hyper-Activity Disorder), Dinophobia (fear of dizziness or whirlpools)
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Name: "The Count"
Age: ? - 5000 Years
Interests: Counting, Numbers, Numerology, Blood, The Occult, Ozzy
Disorders: Extreme Case of OCD relating to Numbers & an Unhealthly Obession with Blood, Lyssophobia (fear of rabies or becoming mad)
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Name: Carmelo Liscotto
Age: 23 - 30 Years
Interests: EQ, Soccer, Phallic Foods, Scrum, Bike Wars
Disorders: Hypertension, Insomnia, Sleep Apnea (most notibly talking), OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, see EQ), Unhealthy Interest for Phallic Foods (bordering on Fetishism), Tetanophobia (fear of lockjaw, tetanus)
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Name: KidPuppet
Age: ? Years
Interests: Stuff that Bounces, Stuff that fits up Things, Workable Window Treatments, Being an @ss#ole, "Late Night with Conan O'brien"
Disorders: OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), Intermittent Explosive Disorder, Kleptomania, Trichotillomania, Reactive Attachment Disorder, Self-Injury, Possibly Schizophrenic, Mόnchausen's Syndrome By Proxy, Bipolar, Kenophobia (fear of voids or empty spaces)
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THE COMMUNIST ©.
This page is to be used for entertainment purposes only.
The Communist is not responsible for any sudden acts of communism.
The Communist and all its contents are property of BobCo Solutions, Inc.
Illegal distribution or copying of this page or contents will result in 'Puppet Repression'.
BobCo Solutions, Inc. © 2000
Contact:
Webmaster
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KidPuppet:
-Sex: Male
-Height:
approx 2'10"
-Weight: 2 lbs.
-Origin: Unknown
Might is right. Power to the puppet.
Go get some Awww!
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Call:
(800) WHO-CARES
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