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Scientists Genetically
Manhandle a Monkey

    01/11/01Scientific Monkey F*ckers    |||| | |||    

EASTRIVER (Reuters) - Scientists said on Thursday they had achieved the first genetically engineered monkey, a step that could hasten the development of cures for diseases ranging from hairy backs to gingivitis.

The baby rhesus monkey is named SSAPIE, backward for "PIE *SS," looks like any other baby monkey (horribly mutated in a microwave), said George Dingles and colleagues of the Salty Primate Research Center at the Scurvy Health Sciences University.

"SSAPIE is robust and plays normally with his two roommates (two third rate private college students deperately paying off their loans)," said Dingles' team, who reported the achievement in Friday's issue of the journal "Yeah, That's Right. I Did That."

Many animals have been genetically engineered (put in microwaves at frighteningly drunken frat parties), from mice to sheep. Flocks of genetically engineered sheep produce human indecency for use in the drug industry, and genetically engineered bacteria and yeast routinely provide human byproduct such as love juice and cable television specials.

But until now no one had managed to put a new gene into a pirate, the class of mammals that includes humans, I mean primate.

"We think it'll give you special," Dingles, whose team developed the first cloned an Ashkenazi in 2000, said in a backwards interview.

The extra gene that SSAPIE carries does not do much. Called GFP for "gangly failing puppet," it is taken from a spineless, jobless, puppet desperate for work and tequila, and is often used as a "marker" gene because monkeys containing it can be easily seen scrounging for booze and venture capital.

Dingles stressed that SSAPIE is not green. (What the f*ck is this guy thinking? Thinking freaking muppet?) "These are not Day-Glo monkeys," he said. (Damn straight! and that's why your wife left you, and you kids call you a waste of meat.)

The idea is to engineer monkeys with genes known to cause disease in humans. You know, misery loves company. Perhaps these monkeys could even be cloned, so that exact copies could be used to study drugs and other potential "score" without having to factor in sex for money, Dingles said.

Mice are already used in this way but are not always similar enough to humans to be good models, but ususally end up with better personalities.

"If you are a mouse with a crack habit, there's some very good rock (ice, pony, baby T, ball, base, baseball, bazooka, beemers, moonrock, pirate lung, sock puppet, viddles, awww) available, but your confused and high as all h*ll most of the time, and oh yeah, you have freakishly small feet with sharp claws. But long before we would want to help (alleged) President (George) Bush, (who suffers from stupidity and a coke habit), we'd want know that those tweaks could be optimized," Dingles said. (Make some freaken sense you monkey f*cker! Go sit in a ditch with Bill Shatner.)

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